Dear Help: First, before you do anything else, make sure you have this conversation in a car. Actually, any type of moving vehicle will do. This way it’s impossible for him to get up to raid the fridge or switch on his ginormous guy TV and watch WWF wrestling instead of listening to what you have to say. This is life wisdom I’m imparting here, mind you. Make sure all the important conversations you initiate within your lifetime take place in a moving vehicle.
Next, say something like, “There’s this great movie coming out that I want you to take me to next Saturday night called Remember Me.” Remain vague. Look confused if his first reaction is something along the lines of ‘No way, that sounds like a complete chick fest.’
Bust out the, “No, it’s this film starring that guy…you know, Giselher from that Ring of the Nibelungs movie.”
Remain as ambiguous as possible about the title. Move on quickly if you can. After all, the mention of any movie with the word “Rings” and a vaguely German-sounding name should give you enough room to carefully progress to step two of your eeeeeevil plan.
Next, he’ll probably ask you about the action and car chases. If he’s really intent on how many man items are included in this film, he may request murder counts and drug deals. Be careful here. This is a trap. You can be honest; there are no car chases, no super heroes and no mythical creatures unless you want to count Chris Cooper. Bring up the blood and fighting though. Blood, bruises, cops, fights; use all the y-chromosome trigger words you can come up with. Be sure to mention the director Allen Coulter is well known for directing some of the most brutal episodes of The Sopranos. Is this true? Directing The Sopranos yes. Most brutal? Who knows? Who cares? Just get it done.
Pull this off and you get to move onto step 3 which should include a little description of the main character – you know, the guy played by the guy who played Giselher from that Ring of the Nibelungs movie.
Tell him the main guy is named Tyler and he’s a student at NYU. Make sure you mention Tyler smokes like a train, swears like a mofo, drinks like a pro, picks up hot looking girls and may or may not partake of a little illegal ganja activity on occasion. Tell him he has a best friend named Aiden who drinks and swears, too. He’s a real asshole you can tell him. Guys can relate to other guys who are assholes so this is important. Don’t forget it.
This whole section should butter your guy up quite a bit but he may interrupt and ask you if “This isn’t one of those films where I’m going to be reliving the awkward virgin phase of my life is it?”
Look your guy straight in the eye and say in a very serious yet playful tone, “No, Tyler doesn’t just attempt to pick up girls; he actually picks up girls and scores.”
Now smile. If all goes well, this is the point where he will interrupt again: “So there’s actually sex is this movie?”
This is good. You obviously have his full attention now. But then your guy looks at you and says “Wait a minute, the title sounds like a sap fest to me. Remember Me? Really? That has to be a chick flick.”
This is where the rubber hits the road. You’ve been preparing for this moment since you first watched Robert Pattinson attacked by rabid she-devils as he tried to get to the set on one of the first days of shooting this movie. This is where your description really counts. Use your doe eyes, bat your big lashes and look at your guy and say, “Do chick flicks have hot, dirty monkey sex?”
So what if you’re not sure Remember Me has hot dirty monkey sex. You’re pretty sure it has regular sex so what’s a little bending of the truth? Who needs actual facts when you’re trying to get a guy to see a movie you want to see?
But I digress. Score for you! This should buy you a little time to come up with the next step of your plan.
Unfortunately, at this point you’ll probably want to cop to a little actual romance in this movie. You can’t hide it forever, so here’s what you do: Tell your guy Tyler is just a regular guy who meets this cute girl at NYU. Tell him there’s some great dialogue and even some dirty humor. Tell him they do fall in love, but be direct and tell him it’s in no way whatsoever your typical, crappy, boy meets girl and everything is covered in chocolate Hollywood love story. Make him understand he won’t be needing insulin or a vomit bag. Drive it home by telling your guy Remember Me is a totally unique, well-acted film where yes, there is some love, but point out these people have demons haunting them…they have family things going on. They’re dealing with father issues, brother issues, mother issues, and sister issues. Life issues in general.
Make shit up if you have to. Then repeat if you must.
This is the time you want to go back to being vague. Back off the love, add a bit more about dark humor and then talk to your guy about fights. Make sure you tell your guy there are cops involved. Cops should give you a little more wiggle room.
He might say something like, “So there’s a fight? How much action is there?”
Go slowly. Tell him there’s a street fight, a silver projectile, broken glass, the whole nine yards. Tell him Tyler’s the kind of guy that doesn’t like bullies. He stands up for people. He doesn’t take crap from anyone. You can also slip in the fact that he’s a great big brother right about here. You may be able to slip this by unnoticed; then again, he might interrupt you and say: “Wait, dude has a sister? He’s not some goody two-shoes hall monitor type is he because if he is, I’m telling you right…”
Cut him off.
“No. Tyler does the right thing but he acts before he thinks. He even does jail time!” Jail time should give you some big bonus points at this juncture of the conversation. If you need to, lie and mention a hooker. Hookers always work!
“Hmmmmm. Well, that sounds kind of ok,” he says.”Who’s in it? Anyone I know?”
This is the part of our plan where you move in for the kill. Mention Pierce Brosnan, but be sure to add James Bond to that description. Most men love James Bond. Either that or they want to be James Bond. James Bond doesn’t do chick flicks. Remind your guy of this fact. Trust me, it will resonate.
Then mention Chris Cooper. If your guy looks at you with that look…you know, the look that means I’m not sure who that is but the name sounds familiar, just say two words: “Oscar winner.”
That should do it.
Next, you need to mention the women populating this movie. Throw in a word or two for Emile de Ravin of Lost. If he looks at you with that look again, just say “Mah Baybeeeeeeeee, Mah Baybeeeeeeeeeee!” He’s a guy, he’ll get it.
Same thing for Lena Olin. The look should get two more words and those are “Irina Derevko.” Trust me. No man can resist Sydney Bristow’s birth mom. If they can, you have bigger problems than getting your guy to see Remember Me. I would question whether your guy is really a guy. Harsh? I think not.
So, you’ve got his attention at this point but here’s where you can lose it all. Tread carefully here. Act sure of yourself and enunciate clearly. You can only stall so long and the time has come; this is where you have to tell your guy one more name and admit the movie stars Robert Pattinson.
"The vampire guy?" he asks shaking his head violently and looking like he’s about to seize.
Before he can add "No effing way,” remind him in quick succession that you’ve already told him about Rob in this movie. “I told you already, you know, the guy? The guy who played Giselher in the Ring of the Nibelungs. That’s Robert Pattinson!”
He should look momentarily confused. This is good. Act innocent. Use those doe eyes. Bat those lashes. Then remind him that Rob is just a guy…just a guy like him. Just a guy that took a job, but that’s another story altogether. Anyway, tell him Rob drinks beer. Rob curses. Rob smokes like a chimney. Rob even likes plaid and eats Hot Pockets. Your guy and him? Tell him they could be twins. The only difference between the two of them that you can see? In real life, Rob has a British accent.
"No biggie," you'll tell him as if you mean it.
Your guy doesn’t have to know the things you know. Why tell him Rob reads and enjoys obscure literary titles and can recite Virgil while playing a guitar. No need to point out that he’s far superior in intelligence and taste and could probably drink him under the table without even trying. No need to rub these details in. Just keep saying to your guy, “He’s just like you. He’s just like you.”
Learn it. Live it. Believe it and so will he. But for you and me? It will just be our little secret.
If these steps can’t get your guy to happily and willingly take you to Remember Me the weekend it opens, my only other advice is to possibly promise upside down sex and tell him you’ll see Transformers 4, 5 and 6 with a smile on your face. Throw in some alcohol and a game of X-Box and maybe he’ll see Remember Me with you twice.
You do what you’ve got to do when it comes to Rob.
Best of Luck. Please write back and let me know how much your guy liked Remember Me and if he doesn’t? Please lie.
*Many thanks to AZmoviefan for her grand contribution to this Dear RMSaturday Blog.
**IMPORTANT: This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles.